philomathean | IC SPAM

You know, a 13% chance is pretty high! What if an honest to God sext was the last thing you ever sent me before I went off to war with the moles? Eager to make sure I come home safe with all my important parts, so we don't end up like the Chatterleys, I guess.

Thirteen shmirteen. I love living dangerously, what can I say?

Now this is a little unfunny, because I distinctly remember you being all, "Oh brother, I wish everyone would stop acting like I'm about to do something dangerous!" right before your last field mission. And then immediately after that, you got attacked by 1950s B-horror movie creatures.

Alright, but I just hope you know that you've set 13% chance of inspiring genuine horniness as the acceptable threshold for going through with all future comedic bits.

Yeah, I sort of regret saying that. I was fine, if you recall. I feel bad that the danger came here to the station though. That's why we're going back out. We're not going to let that happen again.

13 is my lucky number. And if feet pics are what it takes to motivate you to not get eaten, exploded, dissolved, macerated, lacerated, or jellified, then call me Mr. WikiFeet.

Hm, maybe do not definitively assert that things won't happen if those things have over a 13% horniness threshold chance of occurring, lol.

You're right. I shouldn't make promises that are outside of my control to keep. But I do promise to be careful.

[...] Is there a creature that inspires a 13% chance of horniness in you that I should try to capture? A sort of Shape of Water situation. A mummy, maybe?

Not to rag on you, though. I don’t think you wouldn’t be careful. Just, you know, normal person-to-person worry.

I like how you jumped straight to creature lmfao. There’s a 13% chance I might just be a normal guy underneath it all. Although I have been trying to become more positive about bugs. Did you know roly-poly bugs take heavy metals out of the soil? If you catch me lunging randomly off the sidewalk, that’s because I’m trying not to step on those little guys.

No, I know. It's nice to be worried about. I just don't want you to stress.

That's actually really sweet. I mean, taking one step to the side to avoid killing a living thing for the crime of being small should be the standard for all humans, but I know that it's not. So, thank you. Anyway, what I'm picking up is that you're into Mothman. Which makes sense. He's the most cut of all the cryptids.

Consistent ambient stress levels of 13% keep me healthy.

Actually here you’re wrong. 1) Everybody is into Mothman, so I don’t want to be. 2) So what if he’s cut? Not into ultra-ripped bods. Almost anybody can get a great ass, that’s just weighted hip-thrusts and Russian deadlifts. He’s not special. What are we going to do, throw him a party? No.

A sexier monster would be the Alien Queen from Aliens. Hardworking single mom that spits acid. […] But now you don’t write that down as a Type Descriptor.

If you say so, Doc.

🧐 ✍️ ...

You are such a contrarian. Are you going to dump me if I become too popular?

Hm. No, I guess I’ll endure. But I reserve the right to be like “I knew Annie first” with a PBR, half-smoked American Spirit, and a pair of those thick-rimmed glasses everyone was into when we were in college. Maybe a mustache tattoo on the inside of my index finger or wrist, too.

Edited 2023-06-13 16:57 (UTC)

Don't forget the impossibly skinny jeans and shop-lifted American Apparel deep-v.

People keep asking me how I know you. I've been saying that we "reconnected recently." But should we shore that up a little?

[…] You know what? Fuck it. If you want to tell people I slid into your DMs with a foot pic, go for it.

[…] Actually as hilarious as that would be for me, I don’t want you to catch foot-related fallout. Why not a half-truth? Arguing about the ethics of non-violence in the DSA sub-forum lol. That’s kind of how it went down, anyway?

You don't have to protect me from the fallout of my own goofs. I actually think it would be funny to convince everyone I'm into feet. Kick-off a foot fetish trend. Really test the limits of my social cachet.

But, nah, you're right. DSA sub-forum makes sense, is close enough to the truth, and will inspire no further questions.

~~Be careful what you wish for, Annie.~~

I fell head over heels for you when you nonviolently handed my ass to me via a well-selected Judith Butler quote on interdependency. […] I actually did get so mad, I had to go on a jog around my neighborhood.

I pissed you off so badly that you had to go have calm down time? Now that's a sext.

But, lol, honestly it's not your fault. Beyond just being raised in the liberal individualist tradition, as we all were, the circumstances of your liminality have forced you to become a self-standing individual. More so than average. And mine have shown me just how interdependent we all are, in a way that's difficult to notice when you've only ever seen the world from the perspective of a towering apex predator. Plus, I'd read The Force of Nonviolence like two days prior. I'm sure I was just parroting.

🤨😤🤬👿🖕🖕🖕🖕🫵👎👎🖕🖕🖕🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🌪️💥💥💥💥❌💢❌💢❌💢⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️🚫🆒🚫✌️AAAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Hm. Some interesting presumptions here. I think one of us got a little bit of a heavier dosage of liberal individualist tradition in terms of the ol’ upbringing, but who knows.

You also don’t know much at all about the circumstances of my Liminality and its bearing on whether I’m a “more so than average self-standing individual” beyond what I’ve told you. Sorry that not all of us have powers that spur penitent self-reflection on the nature of conflict.

Anyway, I have to do my job where I don’t think at all about the fragile nature of society and the absolute necessity of interconnection. Good luck on the field mission today. I’d send a foot pic but I’m using both of mine for self-standing. 🦶✌️

Edited (Please imagine his icon with clown makeup ) 2023-06-13 18:57 (UTC)

~~Preeeetty self-standing of you to dip on a conversation without even attempting to understand me or find common ground. But I was born and bred to be cut-throat, right? So what do I know?~~

Eye roll emoji the size of the moon 🙄 🌝

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